is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
