whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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