I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
