Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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