Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
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Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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