I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
