I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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