I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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