I wish I only lived at night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
