my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
