I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
