Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
