Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He felt like a one man threesome
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
