If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
