I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
