What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
