someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
