Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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