ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
