mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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