I accidentally burped into my bong.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize