I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
