sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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