yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
