3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
