You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
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She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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