I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
