oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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