watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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