i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken