we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo