Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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