He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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