you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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