You made me cry and you don't even care
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
