I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
