how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
