I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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