there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
