i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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