the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
