Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
