Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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