90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
