Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
