Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
