i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
this is an emotional support booty call
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
