I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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