I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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