i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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