There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
