when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
