im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
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I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
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everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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