how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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