he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
