I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
