i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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