Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
