The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
