I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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